Recently I have found myself to be increasingly annoyed.  I know it must be my ego playing tricks on me because only the ego gets annoyed, my authentic self cannot.  I am caught up in the day to day things and forgetting what is hidden, my desire to be compassionate.

In the past I have had opportunities to be compassionate.  I was a compassionate nurse, I was a compassionate customer service representative…

What I noticed about my compassion is that it is very outward facing.  I am compassionate to people outside of my own domain and less so within my own domain.  For example, I am compassionate towards patients, I am compassionate towards customers, but I am not compassionate to my family and the managers I work with.

Why is that so I ask?

I think it has something to do with expectations.  With people who matters to me at the deepest level, I expect them to be all that I think they can be.  I am not as accepting to who they are at the present moment.  Some of my closest friends have also experienced this.  Once one of my best friends was out of a job and feeling depressed.  I was not very compassionate towards her situation, I just said to her, “why feel depressed? You can manifest a job if you wanted to.”  I guess I must have been implying that if she “wanted” a job, she would have gotten one already.

When I am being that way I feel heaviness in my heart.  I cannot name that heaviness yet but I am becoming aware of it.  I can also see myself becoming this way with my children and I know that they are the primary motivators of why I wanted to take a step back and examine this kind of behaviour.  Why can’t I just accept people for who they are now?  I even pick on my dear Dobes sometimes and he is the best husband anyone could find.

Maybe the next few days I will practice accepting things as they are.  Not that I will stop myself from trying to improve on things I could improve on, but if things are not the way I want them to be, I would like to practice accepting that.